I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
