Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The paramedics were not my fault this time.