Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
