If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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