i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
