my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize