Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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