in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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