Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
