She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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