She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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