I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
