I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
