Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
