he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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