i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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