I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
