thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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