I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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