I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
