I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
