my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
