mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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