her facebook's as public as her vagina
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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