Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
