Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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