My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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