She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
