My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
