careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
