Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
