dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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