true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
