Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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