I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What drink are we having for lunch?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
