Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
