All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
