1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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