I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
