what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
