I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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