its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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