Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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