We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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