I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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