His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
