you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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