I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
