I wish I could punch you in the face.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
