I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
