I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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