how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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