I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
