I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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