that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
