My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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