i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can I color on your dick again?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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